April 23, 2012

Squeek

A conversation with my brother in his studio right before going on his Google+ Talk Show as a guest.

“I’m excited about being on your show, Dan.”

“I think you’ll do great.  But there is one thing we need to discuss.”

“What?”

“There is a mouse in the studio.”

“A mouse?”

“Yes, a mouse.  We DO NOT acknowledge the mouse. Ever.  Do I make myself clear?”

“What if it runs over my foot?”

“Kelly, this is a live show.  You do not – ever – acknowledge the mouse.”

“Good grief.  Okay.”

“Now, another thing.  If you hear a LOUD SNAP, do not acknowledge the snap.”

“Oh my God, Dan.  You have mouse traps out?  They are so inhumane.  Why can’t you just use that sticky paper that catches them live so you can set it free?”

“Well, I tried that with the last mouse, Kelly.  And I had to do my entire show live with that little bastard dancing all over the studio floor.  So now we use real mouse traps.”

 

Posted in Family | 2 Comments »

March 14, 2012

Home Improvement

<Monday>

Dear Bob,

Juan and his 3 cousins showed up today to paint the family room and office.  They are making great progress.  Juan noticed all those cracks in the ceiling trim that appeared after the house settled.  He said he can fix those and repaint all our trim.  I told him that was a great idea.  While we were talking, I mentioned that I eventually wanted to paint all the bedrooms.  He offered me a great deal so I gave him the “go ahead” to do the extra painting.  At lunch time today I offered to have pizza delivered.  You could have knocked them all over with a feather.  I guess they are not used to having lunch offered by the homeowner.  Anyway, we ate four pizzas between the five of us.  Painting is hard work.

Love Kelly

<Tuesday>

Dear Bob,

Juan showed up today with 4 cousins because we have the additional painting and patching to accomplish.  They are making great time.  Juan noticed that there is a corner in the dining room that is damp.  Apparently the gutter over the garage isn’t installed properly and water is dripping into the bricks on the front of the house, which is making a damp spot in the corner of the dining room.  Juan can repair the dining room, but he doesn’t do gutters. Fortunately he has a cousin with this skill.  Alejandro is coming over this afternoon to look at the gutters.  Meanwhile, I told Juan and his cousins I wasn’t in the mood for pizza again so we had Chinese delivered.

<Wednesday Morning>

Dear Bob,

Juan and his five cousins are making fine time painting the house.   Alejandro came over late yesterday afternoon and he explained the problem with our gutters.  He can definitely fix this issue, but he is concerned because the water around the gutters and the leaves lying up there may have weakened the roof tiles on the garage.  He thinks this needs to be inspected.  He doesn’t do roofs, but fortunately he has a cousin that specializes in roofs.  read more »

Posted in Observations, The Unexpected | 2 Comments »

March 13, 2012

Love

“Grandma, who is this?”

“His name is George.  I got him when I was a little girl just like you.”

“He’s yours?”

“Yes, he is mine.  But he is very old so I keep him in a safe and secret place most of the time.”

“He’s very worn out, Grandma.  Did you hug him too much?”

“No baby, you can’t ever hug someone too much.  I just loved the stuffing right out of him, that’s all.”

“Grandma?”

“What?”
“I love the stuffing out of you.”

“I love the stuffing out of you too, baby.”

Posted in Family | 1 Comment »

February 11, 2012

A Love Letter to My Husband

Dear Bob,

In the chick flicks I watch with my girlfriends, the guy is always doing romantic stuff to the girl. Sending flowers, writing poems, scattering rose petals and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. And some of my friends will sigh and wish their husbands were half as romantic. Not me.

Just so you know, I love you because you buy in bulk. read more »

Posted in Family, Friends & Relationships, Marriage | 4 Comments »

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December 27, 2011

The Price of Friendship

“Holy cow, Ophelia!  What the hell did you do to your boobs?”

“Isn’t it obvious Kelly?  I got a boob job.”

“I’ll say.  They are really something.  What made you decide to do this now?”

“I just got tired of having really small boobs so I gave myself a present.”

“Man.  I’ll probably stare at your boobs all weekend.  Don’t be offended.  How did you come up with that size?”

“I took a bunch of socks and went to Victoria’s Secret.  I just kept trying on bras and stuffing them with socks until I got to a size that I liked.  Then I checked out the bra and it was a 34 D so that is what I went with.”

“I guess that is one way of figuring out what size you want.”

“So here is what I need to know.  When I date a new guy and when we get to the part where, well, you know, stuff happens, do you think I should admit they are fake?”

“Ophelia, they enter a room 3 minutes before you.  I think he will know.”

“Well, I’m not sure.  I mean, why admit they are fake unless I have to?  The only problem is that I don’t know what big boobs feel like.  I mean, real boobs.  So I don’t know if he’ll be able to tell the difference.”

“……….”

“……….”

“Ophelia, I see where this is going and I am not comfortable.”

“C’mon Kelly, I need to know.”

“I cannot believe you are asking to feel my boobs.”

“Well, I can’t ask anyone else.  You’re my best friend, now come on!  I need to know if I have to tell the guy or not.”

“Alright, fine.  But I’ve never felt fake boobs, so I get to feel yours too.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

“But listen Ophelia, there will be NO NIPPLE INVOLVEMENT.  Got it??  No touching nipples.”

“Gross Kelly, I’m definitely not going to do that!”

“Okay, then fine.  I just wanted to set some ground rules.”

45 seconds later…..

“Oh wow, they’re really rubbery.”

“Well yours are squishy, Kelly!!!”

“Ophelia, mine are real.  They are supposed to be squishy.”

“Damn, this means the guy will be able to tell, huh?”

“Yes, I’m pretty sure he’ll be able to tell.  They are sort of like really thick balloons filled with water.”

“Hmm.  Okay.  Well, thanks for cooperating.”

“Hey, what are friends for if you can’t feel their boobs once in a while?”

Posted in Friends & Relationships, Observations, The Unexpected | 3 Comments »

December 22, 2011

A Cruel, Cruel World

“Are you going to order dessert?”

“I wish I could Kelly, but I’m trying to lose three more pounds.”

“You’ve lost enough weight.”

“I still think my butt is too big.  Just 3 more pounds.”

“Look, Petunia, here is the cold hard truth about being a woman over 45.  If you lose those last 3 pounds, you may be happy with your ass, but your face is going to look old and gaunt.  Then you are going to have to get $700 worth of fillers injected into your face in order to look like yourself again.  So you have to make a decision.  Gaunt face or chubby ass.  You’re going to have to choose one.”

“Its a cruel, cruel world, Kelly.”

“Don’t I know it.  But look at the bright side.  I just saved you $700 and now you can split a dessert with me.”

Posted in Friends & Relationships, Observations | Leave a Comment »

December 2, 2011

Secrets

NOTE:  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.  And the not so innocent.

“Hi Gloria!  How are you?”

“Hi Kelly, I’m great, thanks.”

“Where is Tabitha, I thought she said she was coming out with us tonight.”

“Well, with the separation I just don’t think she feels like going out right now.”

“SEPARATION!!  What separation!!”

“Oh dear.”

“Did she and her husband split?”

“I would have thought you knew.”

“No I didn’t know.  Good grief, what happened???”

“Kelly, I am so uncomfortable, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Well, you did so tell me what is going on.”

“Maybe you should wait until you hear about it from Tabitha.”

“Gloria, I’m going out of town tomorrow and I won’t see Tabitha for at least a couple weeks.  Just tell me.”

“Oh dear, I really don’t think I should say anything.  I’m sorry.”

“Look Gloria, you have two choices.  You can tell me every single detail right now and I’ll act surprised when Tabitha calls me.  Or I will go call Tabitha right now and tell her you told me about the separation.  And I’ll fake like I know a lot more than I do and then she’ll be all pissed at you.  Its your choice.”

“Kelly, you are such a bitch.”

“True.  But you love me, and when you love someone you have to take the bad parts along with the good parts.  This is clearly one of my bad parts.  So spill.”

Posted in Friends & Relationships, The Unexpected | 1 Comment »

November 22, 2011

Mars and Venus

“Bob, I’m so glad you can come to my company Christmas party in Connecticut.  The Mohegan Sun is supposed to be a pretty cool place.”

“Yep.”

“But since I will have been attending the sales conference for 4 days prior, I’m going to be exhausted, so I’ve arranged to have a massage at the hotel spa a few hours before the party.”

“Ok.”

“So you’ll have to entertain yourself for a couple hours at the casino.  Try not to gamble away our retirement.”

“No problem.”

“I’ve also made an appointment to get my makeup done for the party.  I’m tired of trying to figure out how to do that smoky eye makeup thing by myself.  Plus I want to try fake eyelashes and the last time I did that on my own I looked like I had two dead spiders on my face.”

“Huh.”

“Bob, you look confused.  What part of this conversation did you not understand?”

“Aren’t you going to be spending the entire week at the sales conference with all the people going to the party?”

“Yes.”

“Well, they’ve already seen your face, haven’t they?”

“Good grief Bob, what does that mean?  Of course they see my face.”

“Well, if they already know what your face looks like, why do you have to pay someone to put makeup on it?  They already know what you look like.”

“Okay, Bob.  Sharing time is over.  You can go watch t.v. now.”

Posted in Family, Marriage | 1 Comment »

November 21, 2011

Just Say No

Kelly:  I’m looking forward to your dinner party on Sunday.  What can I bring?

Anonymous:  Well, you know those muscle relaxers you have?

Kelly: Wow.  Most people respond with ‘a bottle of wine’ or ‘a dessert’.  Not a drug order.

Anonymous:  You asked, Kelly.

Kelly:  I feel like a drug dealer.

Anonymous:  My back is hurting and it is a Friday and I can’t see my chiropractor until next week.  Help a girl out, Kelly.

Kelly:  Fine, I’ll bring three pills as a party favor but that’s it!  You have to see your doctor next week, promise?

Anonymous:  I promise.

Kelly:  And you know, it’s a slippery slope.  First you start asking me for muscle relaxers, next you’re going to want to hit into my stash of Percocet.

Anonymous:  You have Percocet?

Kelly:  Don’t even think about it.

 

Posted in Health, The Unexpected | 1 Comment »

November 17, 2011

Conversations you never thought you’d have with your mother

“Hey mom, what did you do today?”

“I went with some friends to a quilt show, then we went to the fabric store.”

“Did you find any good fabrics?”

“Yes. While my friends and I were there, a man came in with his wife and everyone in the store noticed that he was wearing a gun under his jacket. They were all staring at him and looking worried. Then he pulled out his wallet and showed everyone his license to carry a concealed weapon.”

“Wow, that must have been a little nerve wracking.”

“Well, you know what I did then?”

“Oh God mom, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. I took MY wallet out and showed him MY license to carry a concealed weapon.”

“Lord, I thought you were going to tell me you whipped out your gun.”

“Kelly, don’t be ridiculous, I wouldn’t pull out a gun. I just didn’t want him to think he was the only person in the quilt store with a license to carry a gun.”

“Good grief, a show down at the quilt store. What’s next Mom?”

“Don’t get smart with me Kelly, I’m still your mother.”

“Mom, you know this conversation is going on my blog, right?”

Posted in Family, The Unexpected | 13 Comments »

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